So the big day has finally arrived a clothing optional 5k held at the exquisite Sunny Rest Resort in Palmerton PA.
Danielle and I arrived at the gates and two clothed, regular looking fellas checked to see that my name was on the race list and then they let us in.
Through the gate and about 100ft. to the left we saw our first nudist, a woman sitting on a deck. We are now officially in new territory. By the time we drive up very steep roads (important detail I was to excited to notice) I see a bunch of runners doing there normal warmups. Nude this time though. I park, register, get my race t-shirt, one of the few I am excited about and a number is written on my arm in sharpie. No bibs are given, no clothes to pin them to duh.
I go back to the car to dump my shirt, wallet, Danielle took my keys as I looked around I took off my shirt and dropped my short pants. Clothes are in the car and I am naked as a jaybird. An odd feeling at first but after a moment or two I felt great and I decided to start warming up.
Here's where the foundation of all of the jokes lie. Running without clothes your going to bruise your balls and twist your wang all up. Besides the bruises on the inside of my knees from the tip of my penis hitting I had no side effects from running naked. In fact the body seems to know to pull things in nice and tight while one is running naked to keep everything safe and sound. One of the ladies who ran wore a sports bra for support no knickers though and afterwards she lost that top toot sweet.
Okay, so I warmed up, a few times actually and I started to realize that its pretty hilly at this resort. The race director, who was fantastic by the way kept us informed and amused as he hosted the ceremonies in his friendly North Carolina accent. The director led us to the start and explained the course. As I walked to the start I saw a lot of hanging wangs. Then sprinkled in between were some female participants. "Alright" I thought this isn't a total sausage fest. Some of the girls were quite cute and as it turned out quite fast.
"I'm going to clear up some muddy water." the race director said. "The course starts right here and it's a one mile loop." Great, loops. I hate a course that repeats. "There is a misconception that this is a downhill course, it is down hill except for Cardiac Hill." Laughs and some moans form the returning runners.
"Cardiac Hill, what the fuck is Cardiac Hill I said to myself." I just wanted to do a simple 5k at a nudist resort for the experience and the laughs and now I have to run up Cardiac Hill whatever the hell that is, three god damn times!
The director staged us by mile speed sub six, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, walkers. You get the idea. He did this to reduce slower runners from getting run over from faster runners and it worked perfectly.
As I previously stated this was a fairly mixed group of runners there was a decent showing of females of various running experience. Lined up in the seven mile section were two very fit female runners. I figured that I at least get to look at couple of cute heineys for a while. Nope, these girls were gone and all looked at was pale guy ass. Ladies I don't know how you do it.
We are moments from the start, the final instruction are give and we are off. I start off feeling fine keeping it cautious because I have no idea where I am or what's ahead. A rather large guy dashed past me at about an 1/8th of a mile in and I silently shook my head. New runner getting excited, he's gonna gas. We hit a patch of trail 50 meters in length which the director said would be there and in a flash my trail running legs shot me past 3 runners who are looking at the ground like it was lava covered with cobras.
Downhill we go, 1/4 mile, 1/2 mile and then we hit a small but steep hill. This leads to another good sized downhill which feeds us into....Cardiac Hill, its a good sized hill that as you climb up it gets steeper.The worst part was this scrawny pain in the ass guy who was standing right at the point where the hill transitions to its steepest point and he's offering "words of encouragement". He had a nasally mountain man tone to his voice so even if he was sincere he sounded like a condescending jerk.
Surprisingly to me it took one mile for me to pass the big guy who blasted in front of me. As I passed him he sounded like a car that couldn't get enough air. Huffing and puffing and wheezing. He was also wearing a gross pair of boxer briefs, blech.
As I was looping around my second mile I suddenly heard more huffing and puffing right behind me. I thought the guy in the undies had returned but it was another runner, he was also a big guy but I could tell by his form that he knew what he was doing.
The reality is this race was just like any other race. A young, in shape guy took first overall and one of the young, in shape girls took first female. The biggest difference was that the spectators were nude and that provided some much needed laughs.
As I began my last lap I passed a group of walkers who were all wearing underwear. One girl, a cute red head looked back to see who was coming and as she did that I saw her quickly look down at my you know what. I smiled because that just seems to be what you do you look at someone's face, do a quick scan of their body and then look at their face again. Further along on my final lap I passed another walker who looked like a giant bear. He had hair all over his body, a baseball cap on his head and cheap black sneakers and thick black socks on his feet. He lumbered down the path looking for honey no doubt.
My final time up Cardiac hill was as painful as the first. I was able to pick off a few people during this final lap and there was one last guy I wanted to catch. He was about 20 feet in front of me for 2 laps and i was sick of seeing his pale, flat ass. I caught up to him at the top of the hill and stayed right behind him as we made our final descent. Here's where i wanted to make my move. We were back at the start and all that was left was a tenth of a mile it was slightly uphill but i didn't notice I picked it up and caught up to my final catch and as we running into the finish corral I passed him. Photo finish, we nodded and high fived as he acknowledged that had he known I was there he would have kicked harder.
Post Race:
I shuffled over to the post race table for a banana (I chuckled) and some water. All the finishers were hanging around just like every race except were all nude. As I was recovering I started to notice the nudity again. Our purpose for being nude was over so now we're just naked because we want to be.
I learned some lessons at this race. When running at a nudist resort you must bring your own chair and towel. I don't know the official reason but not chairs were provided maybe because we all had sweaty runners butt. After a while I just didn't care and I sat down on the grass. Runners and walkers were still coming in so we encouraged them as they finished by cheering them on. I will say this, the ladies looked a tad bit better running to the finish line than the men did. The men were either a little overweight so they had almost no penis showing or they were an older fella and they were hanging to the ground.
As I was sitting, talking to Danielle I turned my head and right in front of me was a shining moon. Luckily it was a female, one with a great butt actually. I should know I was inches from it as she bent over getting some water. I felt awkward so after a few minutes I suggested we move back into the shade.
A photo was taken, for purchase. I participated but didn't buy one maybe I will. Rewards were given and then we left.
In the end this 5k was like all the others. I finished in the mediocre middle. Some people should keep more clothes on than others but after a while you noticed those who were fully clothed more than your fellow runner who was naked.
